I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
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When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here