Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*at psychic reading*

Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time

Me: Ooh you’re good

My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.

Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.

My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .

Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷‍♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial

my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o n

me: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now

me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.

host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?

They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.

Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?

Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.

literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared

What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day

Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?

Before marriage: Kisses

After marriage: Hisses

ㅤ

Him: tell me about your longest relationship

Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?

my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon

Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.

6yo: (raises hand)

Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)

6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?

First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*

People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too

this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead

Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough

When I (vegetarian) hear the server list the specials and don’t want to hurt their feelings: Hmmm the filet mignon sounds really nice. Shrimp linguine, that I’m sure is delicious too. Let me think oh yeah I’ll have the fries.

You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.

Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage

I miss dating

The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…

Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs

Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.

“How stressed are you?”

Me:

‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.

my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case

Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.

Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?