Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…

If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?

“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”

Me: Only 12 months to go

Me: (throwing up in toilet)

6: (pulls my hair out of my face)

Me: *aw she cares about me*

6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?

my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on

Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.

“How much for this toaster?”

“An arm & a leg.”

“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”

“A leg & 3 fingers.”

“Deal!”

– Cannibal Pawn Stars

Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.

Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.

Principal: about your son…

Dad: our son?

Mom: is he ok??

Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.

[Betty enters with cooler parents]

put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.

SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.

Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?

Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door

Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided

If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread

People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.

STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?

TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.

ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!

If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.

mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*

genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?

mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye

genie: *looks at the lamp*

lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*

genie: i for an eye 🙂

MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone

I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.

My nose won’t stop running.

But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.

Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly.  Should have taught them to do the same with people.

My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.

“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.

three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.

[ad for umbrellas]

[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]

“There must be a better way!”

Voiceover: UMBRELLAS

Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow

Always.

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