Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.

Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science

[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]

shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating

rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*

shaggy: this is serious she has me on video

rikrok: say it wasn’t u?

shaggy: ok i’m gonna go

There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”

First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.

I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me

Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria

My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.

Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.

I’m sorry I don’t speak any English

-me when someone starts talking to me

Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired

Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.

Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?

Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.

The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.

I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin

Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.

babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-

Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.

I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.

*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes

When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.

Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth

Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no

landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*

also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late

Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”

Thinking outside the box.. 😅

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1586264930113802242/pu/vid/502x720/gNkkF0pQGa9MFF_e.mp4?tag=12

don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s

was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo

Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending

HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime

ME: i can change, Becky

HER:

ME: into a semi truck