Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Crime scene]

Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was

*takes off sunglasses*

D: blunt force trauma

Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?

Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.

14: (setting his alarm for 5am)

11: Why so early?

14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.

Me: That is correct.

I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps

Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer

Cop: Please get out of the vehicle

Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.

Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.

*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL

*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL

*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!

– Me pulling up Blinds

*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*

[wife texts me from France]

“Really?”

FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!

ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*

I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”

If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.

I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.

What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?

HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this

HIM: you should probably get tested

HER: lol it’s not that bad

HIM: i have chlamydia

Waking up a teen for school:

1st try: Time to wake up.
3rd try: Please get up.
10th try: GET UP NOW!

Teen: Why are you yelling?

Unexpected Judgment

can you read it!!??

maan!

Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.

My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.

Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.

︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎

It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.

You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.

I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream

Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Age 40: I want my toilet to flush

The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.

Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.

Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.

I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.

The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.

Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.

My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.

Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.

[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?

JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?

*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*

ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes

My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?