I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
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Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
I would love to watch a documentary about my life, because I am VERY confused
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
With a text.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
