Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”

ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)

Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out

Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff

Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are

All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.

asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.

Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.

If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.

What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?

I’m all “class”.

The first two letters really aren’t necessary.

My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”

Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:

drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?

my advisor: um..yes?

drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?

my advisor: …yes

*wild cheering over phone from bar*

I don’t call myself pesky for nothing

Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.

*Bar fight*

Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.

Me: Ok.

*friend tackles guy at waist*

*me, singing falsetto*

My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars

I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.

Them: Pleasure to meet you.

Me: Give it time.

Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars

I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.

“Ok what do we got here?”

Like my dad, I often confuse american and british english. I guess I’m a crisp off the old distance along a street between two intersections.

Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.

Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends

My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.

[I die and appear in a mysterious place]

me: woah, is this heaven or hell?

guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine

me: must be heaven!

guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique

me: aw hell

I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.

Nothing flies faster than the ketchup out of the bottle when you only want a little.

If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down