I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
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The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?
It’s Journalism 101, people!
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Huge if true.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all
What color is math?
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol