I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
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Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
we must combat the global scourge of underage baking
The three genders
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
I was at the post office and someone at the back of the line said “do you mind if I skip to the front? I just need to mail a package” and the bravest man in the world said “do you think we’re all here for fun?”
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.