Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.

Dog people like dogs

Cat people like cats

Lizard people are lizards

Him: I like powerful women.

Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*

I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over

Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.

You don’t know.

“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)

In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham

[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.

Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.

“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.

so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face

Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.

Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.

A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.

#KarenAndTheCat 😉

“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”

Why is it spelled camouflage and not

I would describe my personal style as whatever is on top of the pile of clothes on the floor

Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here

I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.

Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.

If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.

“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.

To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.

Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”

If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.

Mensa should be calling any day now.

Wife: this is how monsters are made

Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.

“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”

My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.

[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back