Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.

Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”

I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.

HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats

[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”

My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.

*Beats guy over the head with celery.*

Stalking is hard.

Jesus: this is my body

disciples: *eat bread*

Jesus: this is my blood

disciples: *drink wine*

Jesus: I also made brownies

Judas: but I have diabetes

Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame

No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.

Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month

me missing my flight to montreal bc i didn’t know you needed a passport to go canada has become my ‘mispronounced word’ for my friends. whenever i’m about to do anything they go “do you need a passport?” it’s not even a funny joke. and i must live with it for the rest of my life

excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”

i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???

Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?

I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington

employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao

Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.

When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”

falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that

If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like

Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!

HARRY POTTER: 🙁

DUMBLEDORE: 🙁

VOLDEMORT: : (

A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.

But it was returned…
no strings attached.

Wait…what ?

What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?

ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.

Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work

I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.

🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.

There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.

Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes

If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.