Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind

[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..

Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid

I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.

I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.

I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.

boat question

“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”

– Cat game shows

[getting up to speak at a funeral even though I didn’t know the person that well but I want to show off my new shirt] sometimes your mail man is more than just a mail man

I hate what you’ve done with the place.

My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.

School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”

I am embarrassed for myself.

I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.

We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners

PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?

ME: Well, now you made it weird.

You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?

Me to myself

In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.

Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me

Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.

My 7 year old: *staring at my face*

Me: What is it, sweetie?

My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?

Kids are delightful.

4yo and my husband made pasta from scratch for dinner. 4yo took one bite and said “this is the best meal I’ve ever had, please can we make this again” then promptly left the table and ate no more. Bless preschoolers.

This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.

I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more

Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.

If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”

Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!

Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.

[LATER]

Husband: Where’d my stick go?

I love greens, but not in a sexual way

Platonic salads, so to speak

Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that