I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
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crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.