If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
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Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Goat cheese is for herders.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol