Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.

If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.

[introductions at a party]

Me: this is my first wife

Her: and current wife

Me: and these are her kids

Her: they’re also his

Me: we keep it friendly

Her: on account of we’re still married

Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own

Her: because they are

A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.

*years from now at my will reading*

Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”

My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??

Attorney: “… my meme collection.”

I have a folder on my desktop named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is a bunch of stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is still more stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”

I don’t even know how many layers deep it goes at this point.

70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.

Her: Undress me with your words…

Me: I saw a spider in your bra.

Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.

when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch

I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.

[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.

bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong

It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.

I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.

Me- owns 2 pairs of pants

My 8 month old, who has no where to go-

every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it

My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.

Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority

There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.

I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow

It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.

Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?

Me: no idea.

Daughter: a Dinosnore : )

Me: [sniff].

Daughter: are you crying?

Me: I’m just so proud of you.

The rest of the world should fear our military.

We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.

Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: Your word is walk

“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”

JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music

Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.

If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college