I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
![]()
You Might Also Like
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.