I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
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why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
My suitcase was 1 pound overweight at bag check so i smiled sweetly at the ticket agent to get away with it… Yall that man said “idk what you doing that for… i got all my teeth too” 😂😂😂
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Email translations:
“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious“As previously discussed”
Translation: I’m furious
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
💀🤣
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.