I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
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Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Hey i am sexy to you now
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
don’t message me unless you have this energy
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.