I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
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Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.