I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
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My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Ha.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
I think about this a lot
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t