I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
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[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
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“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Still cracks me up
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In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil