I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
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2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
if my sleeping schedule was a person
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Ah yes. The three genders
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
How wrong was this guy?
