I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
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At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture
The picture:
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:
Stamps: Lickie Stickies
Defibrillators: Hearty Starty
Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby
Lamp: Lighty Brighty
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.
When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.
Here’s the picture I used for the ad.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME