I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
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[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people
Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Those who believe in only 12.5% of the bible are eighthiests.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days