I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
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Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Them: Good morning
Me: Where?
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
A service where you bring a working printer to my house, I print the one thing I need, and you leave again until next year
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me (terrified they’ll discover I’m a vampire): In ze mirrors like everyone else .. vhy?
List of things my kids wanna talk about at bedtime
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Teslas don’t have “New Car” smell…
They have an Elon Musk.