Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”

Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness

waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that

me: yes

(before sex)

*sings national anthem

Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…

You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!

ME: stay away from the cat

MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n t

ME: ur gonna get scratched again

MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.

sex so good you start seeing dead people..

oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that

Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.

I could never give up my dog, he knows too much

I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.

I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.

[first day as a judge]

ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!

GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe

This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.

Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff

😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂

i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website

Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]

I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.

After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!

If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.

He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.

“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians

“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”

[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car

Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.

If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.

i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.

My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.

I’m so blessed.

Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.

I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in