Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*demon enters my body

*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist

Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.

Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.

I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”

Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas

Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?

me: hey can I read that recipe

internet: here’s a video of how to make it

me: can I just read it

internet: WATCH THE VIDEO

horse: these pants fit me perfectly

sales clerk: very good sir

horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs

sales clerk: *discretely* of course

i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones

Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?

Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”

toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that

How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.

cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)

My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.

Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.

Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:

When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach

Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family

Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday

Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.

Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?

Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.

People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.

When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.

“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.

Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?

In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.

My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.

[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”

Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries

My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.