Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.

6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?

Me:

6: I like it

Me: It’s mistletoe son

Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.

Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?

Me: Because you’re also a wreck.

*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat

I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons

going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason

Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him

Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone

My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen

I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”

There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture

Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel

Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?

Antique dealer: …What?

3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap

Me: That’s fine, take a nap

3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning

Me: Great!

3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!

Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!

Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.

I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.

REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house

This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself

5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.

Me: OK

5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!

Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*

5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.

Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.

Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using

*performs CPR on the turkey*

Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.

Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.

me: alexa what happens when we die

alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering

me: wait what

alexa: what

Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.

I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.

feeling dizzy

highly recommended, many stars

This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:

I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.

– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house

omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions

I heard there was a secret cord
You plug it in and you meet the Lord

8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.