Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.

I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.

[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”

it is so crazy how many hours are actually in a day when u wake up before 11:30 am…..wow………do people know about this

I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.

[camping]

“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”

-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.

[blind date]

HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato

ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it

My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.

someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.

Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.

Ways in which I’m like a bus:

– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells

I was actually doing so well until your email found me.

Friend: What’s your favourite season?

Me: Of which show?

Friend: 😐

Me: 😶

Friend: 😕

Me: 😐

Me: 👀💭

Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.

My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.

I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people

If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.

Me: Push!

Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.

Me: What did the sign say?

Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((

Me: Rules are rules.

you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??

You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.

I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.

I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?

On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.

[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?

wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands

When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.

So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…

found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today

Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.

*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*

My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?

I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.

I call it the “escanow.”

I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.