Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: what do you do for a living

me: I can’t tell you

her: like a spy

me: no I’m an eye doctor

her: oh an ophthalmologist

me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it

In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche

All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.

i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more

“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me

The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.

Friend: I hate frozen pizza

Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.

Friend:

Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake

Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother

If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.

Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.

[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though

E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen

*Re-arranges the dishwasher.

I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.

Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.

[police chasing man on foot]

Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!

Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.

Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.

I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.

Beep beep
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Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation

Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you

Have you ever been so jealous of an idea

SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?

ME: You’re an uber!

SON: No, with your phone

ME: Oh, sorry [types]

SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”

Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?

If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends

[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times

[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING

“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”

Me:

“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”

BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.

MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*

There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”

Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.

I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.