I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
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Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
when you don’t want to be too vague
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Intelligence is the new cleavage
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?