Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.

Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself

what are they serving at kfc then???

I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!

~ me to my kids for the 387th time today

[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE

Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?

Him: Just flush him down the toilet

Me: Gotcha. And the fish?

Sorry my spirit animal peed on you.

me: would you still love me if i was crazy?

him: if????

Eulogies are just goth stand-up.

Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!

My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.

This is why you don’t eat at everybody house

Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.

Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.

Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.

Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”

[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

Him: omg this is cray cray

Me: ok that was easy

JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body

JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood

JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat

I have never related to a cat more

Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.

I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.

them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT

me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t

Girls Just Want To Have Naan

Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings

I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon

Practicing safe sax

Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.

daughter: can i keep the night light on?

me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie

Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.

Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras

Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.

*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother