I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
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Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
No.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
guilty
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.