I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
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I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
I’m offering a new service for billionaires to visit the OceanGate Titan sub wreckage for the low, low price of $250,000.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems