Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.

‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’

– Our sodding cat

Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children

If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific

Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.

It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.

Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?

4-year-old: I won.

– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.

DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”

Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.

Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman

What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”

I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.

Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.

Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?

Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.

Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.

Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.

Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority

I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.

*speed dating

So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.

I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.

Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…

Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?

Me: We have to be quick!

*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*

Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.

My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy

Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.

A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:

Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.

Me: I have no friends

My bed: Wow I’m like right here

Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.

Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?

If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.