I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
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Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow
Everything is arbitrary to kids so you can invent any rule you want, just present it as a normal rule. We wear a seatbelt in the car. We wear a helmet on our bike. We wear a disguise to the bank
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Feels like there should be a middle ground
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.