I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
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[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Camping in the mountains is fun. You just have to have a good sleeping bag, a tent that will hold the contents of a small kitchen, good hiking boots, and potable food/water. Oh, and be faster than whoever you’re hiking with in the event of a bear sighting.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
logging onto twitter…
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.