Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it

me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003

I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.

Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles

As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.

girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days

Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?

Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.

My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…

Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.

*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*

Me: Yes, “nice.”

*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck

I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that’s the last time I go to TMI Friday’s.

At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”

[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?

found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs

Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’

Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up

Me: I said I was sorry

Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*

Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.

The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild

* sleeps in middle of bed

So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?

I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.

[first date]

HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.

ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.

There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t

I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’

0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening

Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.

when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”

Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?

Me: Sorry I was busy

W: Doing what?

*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*

Me: Uh..

“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool

4: mommy, I don’t like you.

Me: why, what did I do??

4: *gives me a huge hug*

Me: uh

4: I only love grandma

Me: what is happening