I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
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“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Received some very disappointing news today
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Trains are just sideway elevators.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*