Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders

I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.

Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.

looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition

Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?

Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.

*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in this

Nurse: you’re not a patient here

TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍

My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk

Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids

I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.

I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best

My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆

A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.

May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.

Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.

help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me

Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.

Gas stations be like:

Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.

Me: *dies*

My kids: *taking out Ouija board*

H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?

instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel

I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.

I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.

*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these

Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.

I hate elevators, they give me vertigo

I take many steps to avoid them

My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.

I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.

That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.

If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.

Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.