I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
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Foolishly set my YouTube account up on the main house TV. Now she knows what I’m watching. Not a problem, but she also saw my own vids about restoring a land rover and how much its costing. Now I’m in trouble.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Hey bro pleas stop using all the good skipping rocks at the river
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
If you’re testing me, we failed.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.