@t0shiba

I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?

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@RidiculousSheri

Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.

@UhhhJasonWebb

I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.

@dumbbeezie

How to handle a one night stand the next morning

1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it

@Darchstar078

Fact: Roughly 40% of my childhood was spent preparing for the day I fall into a pit of quicksand.

@sweetmomissa

All my daughter ate for dinner was bread and water, so she will be prepared for a recession or a life of crime.

@justinbieber

Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2

@SortaBad

1. Wear a black shirt

2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.

3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume