Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
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NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Alcohol is best served.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Fact: Roughly 40% of my childhood was spent preparing for the day I fall into a pit of quicksand.
All my daughter ate for dinner was bread and water, so she will be prepared for a recession or a life of crime.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume