I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?

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Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.


I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.


How to handle a one night stand the next morning

1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it


Fact: Roughly 40% of my childhood was spent preparing for the day I fall into a pit of quicksand.


All my daughter ate for dinner was bread and water, so she will be prepared for a recession or a life of crime.


Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2


1. Wear a black shirt

2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.

3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume