I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
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It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
He whispered in my ear that he liked being called daddy.
I whispered back that I liked being called a cab.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
A little too much information.