@t0shiba

I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?

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@patrickoriley

It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.

@rocknthepurple

I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal

@PJTLynch

Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat

@iLikeCatShirts

When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”

@rose24_em

He whispered in my ear that he liked being called daddy.
I whispered back that I liked being called a cab.

@donni

Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.

@AsgardianRose

“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”

Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.

@iscoff

The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations