I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
You Might Also Like
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day