Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.

Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!

*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*

Justin: OMG we are so…

Jessica: DON’T say it.

Justin: …N*Sync

chore hatred level:

considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes

Dogs should be allowed to drive.

These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.

Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.

i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”

I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”

You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.

her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress

grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls

My mum stayed with us recently and couldn’t help but advise me on certain things, being my mum.

Just like a sulky teenager I responded “Mum, I’m 53.”

I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]

*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed

ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter

FRIEND: This is a shoe

ME: Omg I can’t believe it

I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.

[first day as an architect]

boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”

me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”

boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”

me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*

Note to self: I am a note

Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.

Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”

[lights 2019 calendar on fire]

Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.

It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.

I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.

Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.

There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.

-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you

I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it

My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor

And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.

[post-apocalypse open mic]

Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??

Crowd: *rickets*

If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?