I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
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I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
There is wisdom there.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it