Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?

*later walking home*

Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies

8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*

Me: Why do you look so angry?

8: I was getting my picture taken.

“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”

“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”

[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”

*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF

when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table

This bank app is great for checking account activity!

Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.

If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.

The more you know

My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.

I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework

*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.

Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.

To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.

Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?

Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.

Is it because I’m brown??

Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.

I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”

me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude

me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude

spouse: what are you doing

me: i’m writing a pilot

spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂

me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?

me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us

How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?

Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.

Typos are dangerous, you guys.

you’d think eating your young was more filling.

Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long

You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol

me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

[Super Bowl Halftime performance]

Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶

7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?

9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor

INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?

ME: ope i thought it said preference

*furtive glance to make sure no one is listening* I keep my friends close and my enemies as far away as possible but don’t tell people that, we got a good thing going with the other thing