I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
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Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
My love language is hissing.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
I beg your pardon?
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
“OMGJK” -atheists
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP