Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scientist 1: I don’t care if you discovered it, we are not naming it THAT
Me: Naming what?
Scientist 2: You know what IT is.
Me: Ohhhh The Hugh Manatee

Scientists start rage screaming

Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.

My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!

*hyperventilates*

*vomits*

Me: It’s for the dog.

8: Oh. Can I have a snack?

[being beat down with health, family, work issues]

Me: I will remain positive at all times

[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]

Me: I am going to fire God

The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.

I have witnessed someone face reality.

[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son

What if I made a cactus delicious?

– pineapple inventor

Wait, there’s a big difference.

Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?

Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.

Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?

The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.

Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.

today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time

HUSBAND: Why are you late?

ME: I was at church.

HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?

Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP

cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉

me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”

cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”

me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”

I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.

Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire

I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me

Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.

My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.

At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now

Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”

ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?

My son is worried about being on Santa’s nice list but rather than change his behavior he has decided to continue worrying, and that is actually quite relatable.

Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.

I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.

Her: “Your funny”

Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”

One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.

A love story

I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.

George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.

[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?

DATE: The worst night of my life

ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail