Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What was the main bloke called in Harry Potter

BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?

ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses

*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*

Me: Why are you crying?!

Toddler: Because someone took my sock

Me: No one took your sock!

Toddler: Then where is it?!

Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity

My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter

Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?

Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE

just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet

I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.

Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this

Therapist: actually you absolutely are

My favorite type of men is ramen.

For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.

Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”

Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”

i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me

I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.

How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?

Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos

Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.

interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years

me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)

I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.

I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.

Another mom asked me if I had found the big L on my kids’ heads yet. I got super offended thinking she was calling my kids losers. It was lice. She was talking about lice.

Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.

To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.

Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.

Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*

One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment

My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

[opens car door for wife]

WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway

Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?

Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*

Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.