I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
You Might Also Like
I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
At ease
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Catering service
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.