I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
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[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
who named him groot and not spruce lee
at my child’s request I’ve been sending carrots to school for the rabbit. Today I asked to stop by the classroom where the rabbit is and discovered that the rabbit is a puppet
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Tried to make a friendly comment about how I liked my neighbor’s very autumnal outfit, but I swerved too hard into friendliness, soared past over-familiarity, and landed on the arguably hostile “well if it isn’t Mr. Fall”
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better