I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
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[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
it’s so over update: accidentally pushed the button that set my desk into standing mode but couldn’t be bothered to get up so spent 10 mins like this until someone walked past and shamed me into resolution
If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.
Icarus loved hot wings.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
asking santa clause for nudes
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you