I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
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If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Air conditioning – not a fan
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.