I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
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May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.
Someone will come to argue with you.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Every work meeting this week
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
“How’s your day going?”
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️