I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
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My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.