I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 馃檨
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11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I鈥檓 not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
If you鈥檝e never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I鈥檓 about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
I鈥檓 happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!
me: i can鈥檛 believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Housework is boring, and it is futile. You make the bed, you do the dishes. Six months later, you got to start all over again. JOAN RIVERS
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Thought I鈥檇 surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.