Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.

God: *creates oceans*

Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL

God: Get out

[first date]

Me: I don’t like flowers

Her: orchids?

Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family

The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.

Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.

The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.

Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.

Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?

Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous

Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day

My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23

If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂

[pumpkin patch]

Cinderella: how many miles on this one?

Farmer: please stop kicking them

person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash

me: usually once

A poor analogy is like a bad comparison

Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.

Thick flies save lives.

I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭

[during sex]

her: hurt me

me: there’s only one season of firefly

An egg looks at another egg and says:

“Why are you so hairy?”

“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”

#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe

I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.

I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side

[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]

Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?

When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said

Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.

That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring

The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.

WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?

India’s tiger population is up 30%!

WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe

[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh

[At the funfair]

*Fire alarm sounds*

Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.

[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*

HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.

{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.