I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
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I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
My 1st grader is home sick today and this morning I caught him trying to cough directly onto his older brother.
I asked why he did that and he said it’s because he loves him and thinks he deserves a day off of school too.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you