Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.

mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute

“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.

satan: i am lord of the underworld.

me: Antarctica?

satan: no it’s much hotter.

me: (nods) Australia.

*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*

Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.

Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.

I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee

Clubbing in my 20s:

Spills beer *everywhere*

Clubbing in my 40s:

Everywhere is so sticky!?

I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.

And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year

Dis earing letters?

There’s an ‘app’ for that.

If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.

AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point

Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW

Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol

My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.

With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.

A GPS. But for where your story is going.

[Ferrari dealership]

ME: How much for this red one?

SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny

ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*

SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!

Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.

He took my last fry, your honor

This is my brand.

Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.

If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something

At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……

Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.

*all of the ghosts boo in unison*

I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.

Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.

3: I’m adding another option!

Me: *

*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.

We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.