Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?

Me: Are you surprised I like kids?

Him: I’m surprised you had sex.

Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:

Any room my wife is not in – 1%

Any room my wife is in – 92%

Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.

Not now. I’m deglazing.

[first date]

her: Tell me a little bit about yourself

me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?

her: umm

museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig

standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home

Truth

Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-

Romeo: LIFE

Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?

Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.

I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.

I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.

I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.

me: [gets on one knee]

GF: [gasps]

me: [reaches into pocket]

GF: OMG

me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot

Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.

“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.

Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.

Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…

Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark

“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”

“DAD?!”

[next day]

“Where you going with that broom handle?”

“Checkin for squirrels”

Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people

my mom decorated the apartments for the cats

If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.

Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it

My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.

My current situation

I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.

I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.

Better names for porcupines:

Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum

(gathered around the campfire, 1876)

Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon