Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Boyfriend gets in bed*

Him: Wanna fool around?

Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*

I always thought a fortress was a female fort.

Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year

Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.

Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.

I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.

Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor

There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.

PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.

figuring out my emotional availability:

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*

I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”

I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣

me: what are you doing

lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me

prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]

lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail

I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie

My loaf of bread looks terrified

I stepped away from Twitter for a few days, and now my entire house is decluttered, I’ve written a novel, I learned to speak a new language, and came close to finding out the true meaning of life.

Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.

My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.

Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog

[At the car dealership]

Me: See, this has everything I want, right here

Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale

I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”

I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one

We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.

ME: I’m off to turn some tricks

WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’

Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.

Dracula: Vhere? Here?

Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.

Dracula: Here?

Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..

Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??

Bird flu? Yeah, they’re known to do that.

Wife: We need to talk

Me, absolutely panicking: What

Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter

Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.

Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!

Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?

Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.

Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?

Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing