Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning

Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]

My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for ever

Saying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King

Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.

You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.

But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.

Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?

Amazon Customer Service: …what

why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake

*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…

“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”

SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.

It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC

Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.

[walks into kitchen]

Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.

Eulogies are just goth stand-up.

Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”

“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”

-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.

WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers

ME:

WIFE:

ME:

WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers

i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE

I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.

They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.

KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good

The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.

I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.

Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?

Client: sadly no. Just you.

Me:

Client: I didn’t mean it like that!

*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house

Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.

My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.

Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?

Me *nervous*: children

Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.

Me: Okay.

Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!

Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?

Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?

Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.

me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi