I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
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The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
I have a box of thirdhand rice. My daughter’s friend bought it, but then he moved out of his apartment so he gave it to her because it wasn’t opened. Now she’s moving out of her apartment so she gave it to me because it wasn’t opened. I’m not really sure how I feel about it.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look