Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan

The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.

Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?

A: Because it waxes every month.

I think costco should be the next president of the united states

Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.

[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok

[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR

[tarot card reading]

*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICE

Customer: …is that a regular deck of cards?

*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*

[*planning dinner*]

Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”

Her: “Oh, any!”

Later:

Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?

Therapist: Go to your happy place

Me: Ok

Therapist: Good, where are you?

Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins

Therapist: I’m sorry, what?

Me: The beach, I said the beach

Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant

Passport photographer: No

*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?

Dear BJ’s,

Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.

Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer

Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls

Only God can judge me.

*gets hit by lightning*

Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.

[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too

Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.

Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.

Dog people like dogs

Cat people like cats

Lizard people are lizards

I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.

It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.

Do I like to live dangerously?

I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick

The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.

{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers

I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.

My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm

Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”