I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
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Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
My first day working as a consultant at Microsoft! All going extremely well apart from tripping over a cable. 99% sure I plugged it back in the right socket.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
discovering that i’ve become kind of a savant for determining if checked baggage is under the weight limit because 23kg is just a bit under the weight of a full 20L keg. just one of the many positive things beer has given me
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
God tier horse name today on the sims
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
me: [stroller shopping] how much for this one
clerk: do you have a baby
me: would you accept cash instead
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe