I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
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I giveth and I taketh away because I recycleth.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.
Moving tip: don’t learn how to read
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Tremendous stuff
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Me: This is the worst day of my life.
Her: Really?
Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house