I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
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My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
I bought you some jumper cables since you like to start shit
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Pee pressure > peer pressure
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.