I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
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Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.