I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
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[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
This is hilarious….
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.