I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
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This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Somebody call the cops.
