Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.

If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had

A little bit of chocolate just melted on my hotel room bed and the more you try to explain that to housekeeping the more it seems like that’s not chocolate.

I went to the car park. There were no slides or swings. My car just sat there. Sad.

I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.

Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.

I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.

Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.

I just built an entire table backwards if anyone was curious what kind of idiot thinks they’re too smart for the instructions

[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.

Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there

Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax

Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.

Secondary school me: my speech is abou….

My guys at the back:

Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.

I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.

I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.

My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!

And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!

Don’t make me out nice you.

Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.

*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*

Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…

[1st date]

Him: We share perfect chemistry!

Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*

Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool

Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds

Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho

Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers

Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-

Scientist: They wore socks with sandals

Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right

My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!

With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.

Cartman: Respect my
a a

TWO hops this time?

In this economy?

I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.

When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.