I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
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*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Reset password
‘SevenDays’
Your password is week
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
“FOUND ‘EM!”
Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Ah 1994, I remember it like it was thirty years ago.
*starts crying*
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.