I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
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The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.